Archives for the month of: January, 2013

My great-great aunt passed away.  She was 95 years old. The women in my family tend to live into their 90’s which means if I follow their example I am one-third of the way through this life. What the hell am I doing?

One-third

I am not having a crisis per se. I have not done everything I had hoped I would accomplish by this point but I am working toward fixing that.  I am incredibly goal driven but I am also incredibly impatient. There are things that I want now, but I know they come with time.

So here is a list of the things I hope to improve upon:

  • Learn to set boundaries. I am a giver. I give to anyone without even thinking. If I can do it for you, than I will.  The problem is there are so many times when people take advantage of my giving. Then I just become a bitch. There is a happy medium between Mother Theresa and Anne Coulter I just need to find it.
  • Learn to be my own best advocate.  I was a cheerleader in high school. Motivating and encouraging others is also natural for me. I can talk up everyone else, but I don’t do it enough for myself. I am confident in my abilities and I know what I am capable of I just need to be able to effectively advocate on my own behalf.
  • Learn to take a big risk.  I am incredibly left-brained. I live in logic.  I love rules.  I analyze a situation then decide the best course of action. But there are times when you need to step outside what is comfortable, what has the least risk, what is safe in order to obtain something that is great.
  • Give myself a break.  I am obsessed with doing the correct thing.  I am really hard on myself when I make a mistake.  Judgments of others tend not to bother me because I am much harder on myself than an outsider will ever be. I gotta chill and loosen the reigns a bit.
  • Learn to live in the gray. I hate gray areas.  I like black or white. Ones or Zeroes, On or Off, Up or Down. I do not understand what to do with maybe, so I usually take it as a negative connotation.  I wind myself up over ‘not right now’ accepting it as defeat and letting go.  Sometimes time is needed to think, feel and asses a situation before a decision can be made.  I need to get a grip that while I have already found the cheese, the other mice are still working their way through the maze.  I should probably just eat my cheese and wait instead of chewing a whole in the wall and going home because they didn’t want to play with me.

I’ve got sixty years left, I think that is plenty of time to make some course corrections.

alarmI am divorced.

I have no close immediate family.

I live 2,500 miles from my home town.

So who do I call in case of emergency?

When I left California almost 11 years ago I just wanted to get out and make it on my own. I had a loose dream of moving to Chicago with some engineering friends. One case of windburn after a visit in November quickly quashed those plans.  Then I met the man who would become my husband and I moved to the area where I currently reside.  My ICE contacts have always been my mother (who lives in California) and my ex-hubs who now lives 5 minutes up the road.  Now that we are divorced and I am single with no prospects, who do I call in case of emergency?

Saturday night I had such an emergency. After going out with a friend for a bite I returned to my car with Lil Prince in tow only to discover my car battery was dead.  I called my road side assistance service who reported that it would be 45-60 minutes before they would arrive.  It was below 30 degrees outside meaning it was the same temperature in our car which had been parked for over 90 minutes, but it was late and everything was closed.  I did what I have always done:  I called my ex-hubs.  I told him what happened, he was only an exit up the freeway from where we were and reported he would be there in a few minutes. 30 minutes later my son and I were still sitting in a cold car.

I tried my best to fight back tears of the situation. I was really cold, my body ached from the chill, the tow truck was taking forever and my ex-hubs was no where to be found.  I was angry, hurt, and frustrated.  I don’t expect my ex-hubs to go out of his way for me to do anything, but me and his son freezing our asses off should have been a motivator to show up and do what is decent.  I have friends that I could have called but none that I felt comfortable inconveniencing.  I have some family here but none that live on the side of town where I live and their arrival would have came only after the arrival of the tow truck.  Eventually my ex-hubs showed up, 10 minutes before roadside assistance.  It took everything in my being not to dropkick him in the neck.

I know that my ex-hubs sucks. There are reasons why we are divorced.  I like to think that he still practices human decency, but he loves to remind me that I set the bar much too high for him.  And sure if I would have told my friends what happened they would have replied, “Why didn’t you call me?” How do I explain to them that I don’t believe that they would really come?  At least not ungrudgingly.  What does that say about what I think of them? Sounds terrible.

I am not used to depending on other people or asking for help. I grew up in a tight knit family. I was taught to do things for myself and that which I could not do anyone in my family would have assisted without a second thought.  I am a giver. I will always help out wherever I can.  Case in point, earlier that night I helped a friend with a work related issue in which I called on my close friends and family to assist.  But when you live “alone” in a city who do you turn to?

I moved to this city because it was where my ex-hubs is from.  I stayed after our separation for some sort of support and familiarity for our children.  But in light of current situations what is the point? If I can be alone here, I can be alone anywhere.  I am ready to move.  Move to a new city.  Move on in life and find a new ICE.

Dating after divorce has been an interesting experience.  I have had to take an introspective look at myself, my needs, wants and desires and establish what I expect from a mate as well as what I myself bring. What I know for sure about myself is that I am not a pursuer, I am a reciprocater.

I believe that the man should take the lead in a relationship. A man should engage, attend to and court his potential mate fervently.  She should always know what his intentions are and where she stands in his life.  Now of course I will make my intentions clear, but I leave it up to him  to establish the overall pace of the relationship.

I know that some men are attracted to take charge women.  I work in a male dominated industry where I have to be on the ball and assertive.  While that is my personality professionally, that is not my style in matters of the heart. I am not shy, prudish or uncertain but I do not enjoy taking the lead whether it is deciding what is for dinner or how it’s done in the bedroom.  I have no problems initiating, but I find rest in submission.

If I want something I have not problem letting it be known, but I am not the “make the first move” type.  I will leave a Hansel and Gretel trail of bread chunks soaked in photoluminescent material so they can be seen in the dark from miles above. You gon’ get these clues. However it is up to him to follow the trail.

As a girl I was raised to believe that I could do any and everything.  I had two strong, traditional male role models, my daddy and my granddaddy, who loved, covered, lead and protected their families.  As a young child I did not readily understand why their word was final and why they were always in the lead. I was a young feminazi bound and determined to re-write the rules, change the game and make my own way.  But as I grew older I discovered that those behaviors were tiring and did not bring me comfort.

I can work hard all day, kick butt and take names but I have no desire to be the primary lead in my relationship.  That is not to say that there is anything wrong with a woman take the lead nor a man who can take a step back. It is just not right for me. A man who leads and me as I nurture and support is love that I understand.

What I learned most from my first marriage is that people have to be loved in a way that they understand that gives them rest.  Everything is not for everybody.  A love that you cannot understand or appreciate is not a love that will prosper and grow.  You have to learn what is important for you, then find someone who reciprocates, and build something great.