I hate endings. Happy or sad. I am usually not ready to let go so I do what it takes to hold on as long as possible. This happens every time I read a new book. I will devour a book until I get about halfway through then and incredible sense of loss falls over me.  I am much slower reading the remaining half and once I get to the last couple of chapters I may stop altogether.  I am so enveloped in the characters I am not ready for it to end.  One reason is I don’t want them to go away, they have become a part of me. Another reason is that I am afraid that things will not end the way I expect them to and I don’t want to know.

But you cannot have new beginnings it seems without something coming to a close.   My mind is very one-track so it is rare for me to experience any overlap. I don’t look for a new job until I am finished with my old one whether that be by layoff, move, downsizing, etc.  A few times I simply was emotionally done with a job but for the most part some external force pushed my current employment situation to a close and I was forced to find a new one.

It is safe to say that I don’t really like change. Part of the reason is I am a catastrophizer. I am always imagining the worst case scenario for all events that I get myself worked up. When things do end it is never as bad as I imagined and I am often unaffected by the actual event.

I have made a tough decision to move on to a new stage in my life, a fresh start. To say I am scared is an understatement. I of course have imagined every terrible, earth-shattering scenario and I struggle to prepare for them. The task seems daunting and overwhelming though I believe I can do it; I’ve survived much worse.  I know that with the support of those who love me I will make it, but I guess I am just scared of closing this door. I would much rather someone push me out and slam it shut behind me. Being reactive is so much easier than being proactive.

Cheers to adulthood, making tough decisions and jumping in with both feet even when you are afraid to do so. I refuse to sink, so I have no choice but to swim.

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