Archives for category: dating

headphones

There are recurring soundtracks in my life most of them are around the theme of relationships.  Falling in love. Falling out of love.  I went from making mixtapes in my childhood bedroom to playlists on YouTube.  Crushing on him.  Does he notice me?  Does he feel the way I feel? I think he likes me.  Does he know the way my heart beats for him?  Does he see the way my smile shines brighter when he is around?  I love him.  Does he feel the way that I feel?  Does he know that I’ve already planned our wedding?  I think he’s pulling away.  Does he see how much this hurts me?  Does he know my heart is breaking?  Its really over.  Did he ever really care about me?  What am I supposed to do now?  The cycle.

There was a question asked on Twitter the other day: What song was ruined for you by a previous relationship?  Where shall I start?  The Accountant ruined Retrograde x James Blake.  The Engineer ruined Get Away x The Internet.  The Actor ruined So Gone x Jill Scott ft Paul Wall.   I once loved these songs they were part of our relationship soundtrack, but after our time ended I could not listen to them without feeling a way.  And so I let the music die.

I thought more about it, why would I let someone take my music from me?  Did they really take it?  Am I still emotionally connected to these ghosts through these songs?  Or do I just think I am?  I sat down with a glass of Mezcal and pressed play on these hidden playlists.  And while my mind did recall a time we had or the emotion attached when the song was added, I didn’t react the way I thought I would.  I didn’t cry.  I didn’t get angry.  I really didn’t feel much of anything.  Music reborn.

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The thing nobody tells you is that dating is a numbers game. You really need to continually put yourself out there in order to find what you are looking for and last year I decided to do just that. Only I didn’t. starrynight-oil-paint-by-number-kit-766311

While I did go on a lot of dates they weren’t real dates, they were safe dates.  Dates with men I was already acquainted with in some fashion who I knew were already interested in me romantically or platonically or somewhere in between.  These dates for me were a way to go out and have a good time with someone I knew was good for it and I didn’t have to stress over.  The problem is that these dates did not get me anywhere closer to my goal.  There were other dates (blind and setups by friends) that didn’t develop into more and these seemed to push me back into my safe place.

And then I met someone. Someone who did something magical for me. Took my out on a real date with real feelings that I was really interested in. I got butterflies so bad I almost threw up. He got to see the real me, the awkward person I try to hide until I am sure you are smitten. I let him step over the velvet rope and  get up close and personal to the Monet painting that is my life.   And while I am still single, so obviously that thing didn’t work, the key is that I liked it.

At the end of 2013 I resolved these things: to stop safe dating men I have no desire to be in a relationship with, to put myself out there emotionally especially when I feel nervous or unsure, and to end all my ICE (in case of emergency) situationships.  On top of that I stumbled across 54Dates.com which is exactly the inspiration I needed to push forward wih my dating goals. In short 54 Dates To A Mate is a year long project where Daviece, a hairdresser from Richmond VA, will go out on one date per weekend (+2) in effort to attract a super awesome guy who she could possibly one day spend the rest of her life with.  After every date she writes a blog post detailing the events of the date, what she felt, and whether or not a connection was made.  I found Daviece to be incredibly brave and I decided I needed to take a more active role in my own dating life (so far the dates were TERRIBLE but that is another story for another day).

6 Tips to Win the Numbers Game

  • Tell your friends, co-workers, neighbors, family members that you are interested in finding a mate.  They will try to set you up, probably more than you want but let them.
  • Understand that there WILL BE BAD DATES. You gotta stay positive and brush them off. It is so easy to get defeated.
  • Do something you would not normally do. If you see a cute guy at a bank slip him your number on the back of a deposit slip. If you are nervous about giving out your real number, get a google voice number. It is free and you can change it at anytime.
  • Keep your options open. So many people you may discard as not your type may surprise you.  You say you would never date a frat boy because they were such pigs in college. Well that was 10 years ago, they are men now don’t rule them out.
  • Use your interests to seek out potential mate. If you like reading go to the library chances are there is someone there who is single and you already have something in common.
  • Don’t be afraid to go out on practice dates.  There will be people who you are set up with  that you know you are not interested in, maybe he is a smoker, beardless and  a workaholic who considers drinking an extracurricular activity — either way you know he’s not your type.  Going out on one date with him it will help oil up those rusty joints and get passed the initial dating awkwardness.