Archives for category: life

image

I am so glad September is over. August wasn’t the greatest month for me but it had a few great points including my little sister coming to help get my daughter settled into college at WKU,  my son starting 4th grade,  and a visit to Cali to see the A-Team and my family. And then September happened. It was full of humbling life experiences that had a low attached to every high. The good news is I made it through.

My BFF 5-Letters and I decided that I need to take a more positive outlook for October. Life is going to happen,  I am going to experience less-than-desirable circumstances but I will make it through even if I cry the entire way. For the next 30 days I am simply going to let go of my worries,  stresses,  anxiety and focus only on the positive things.  Also once a week I am treating myself to something nice.

Accentuate the positive, eliminate the negative, latch-on the affirmative, but don’t mess with Mr Inbetween…

Day One:
1. Both my kids got great marks on their progress reports.
2. I put on a dress I have not worn since my trip to Mexico in July and I look even better in it now.
3. I have really good friends who care about me,  support me,  and check in on me daily.
4. Some books I was going to purchase I found at the library so I can read them for free!

Your attitude is a choice.  Life comes at you fast and so many of those things are completely out of your control.  When things are at their worst I look for humor. It is that laughter that allows me to relief, if only through sarcasm and obnoxious observation that helps me get through the day and the courage to do it again the next day. Here is why I choose to Laugh My Ass Off.

L –  Lemony Snicket’s A Series of Unfortunate Events, yeah this book is like my life.  I don’t talk publicly about everything that goes on because quite honestly it is so grandiose it seems unbelievable.  The most bizarre things happen to me, I would have to be a Class-A Sociopath to bother an lie about all of it.  My life is really full of highest of highs and the lowest of lows, I look at it as God’s way of keeping me humble.

M- Mercury is in Retrograde. Again. Well as of October 4th. This period has me super nervous, I know a season of trouble awaits for me.  If you are ever worried about when Mercury is in Retrograde check it here.  And sense I know the bullshit is headed my way it is joke I play with myself to see how ugly things get. I have a very dark sense of humor.

A- Acknowledging depression. Depression is a real thing.  I suffered from bouts of it at least twice, once after I gave birth to my son and again after separating from my husband. Both times were just terrible and the root of it was about me denying my feelings. I don’t do that anymore. I have safe places and share what is bothering me.  We talk, we cry and by the end we laugh.

O- Optimism. I am, in my own life, a pessimist who has convinced herself she is a realist.  The truth is I am always planning for the worst in every situation. But in the midst of those plans I am learning to to keep a positive attitude even if it is filled with snark. Expect the best. Prepare for the worst. I have absolutely no guarantees in life, but I do know that the tough times don’t last forever so I just have to hold on for the sunshine on a rainy day.

image

I wasn’t sure I could come up with 10 specific things that make me happy. I wanted to name things unique and special to me not obvious like a baby’s laughter or a rainbow after a storm. But I did a little thinking on the long drive home and this is what I came up with.

1. Physical touch. I long for it. I need it. I don’t do well in isolation. Deep hugs. Cheek kisses. Cuddles. Nuzzles. All of that.  Not just in sexual or sensual ways. My close friends know I need physical connection. I sleep in their bed when I visit. I sit close to on top of them while we are hanging out.

2. Conversation, specifically in person or on the phone. I hate texting. But call me or come over we can talk. Sports,  politics, movies,  music,  social justice,  bananas… the topic isn’t important. I love learning interacting and challenging each other through open communication.

3. Follow-up on the previous, a good voicemail message. There is an art to leaving a good message,  most people do not know it. If you are simply going to say ‘hey call me back’ then don’t bother. A good message is like you are having a conversation with me only I’m not there. I also have friends who leave improve messages in other characters, or who sing to me,  or tell me funny stories. one of my followers I believe accounts for half of the 50 messages in my phone.

4. Fancy cheeses. Simply delicious. Infused with fruit or herbs,  aged and smelly. Nom.

5. Citrus scents. Lemon. Orange. Grapefruit. These make me feel clean refresh and relaxed.

6. Men with deep timbre. My father is a retired pastor his voice is booming and full of bass. He sings in a smooth baritone and it feels like home. Men with bass are a yes.

7. Dark skin. I love deep rich skin smooth like Onyx.  I always wanted to be darker skinned. And I suffer from delusions of browness,  believing I am darker than I actually am.  While I appreciate all shades of brown,  including the barely cardboard colored,  I LOVE deep dark skin. Black is beautiful.

8. Rum my libation of choice. Rum makes everything better. Rum tastes like love,  warm beaches,  blue waters and sunshine. Dark n Stormy is the perfect beverage.

9. Beards. Yes men you look better with a beard. Chinstrap,  goatee,  thick and bushy. I love beards. I like to nuzzle them. I like to run my fingers through them. I like to stroke them. Seeing a man with a beard makes me feel tingly on the inside.

10. Attention. I’m an extrovert I feed off of the energy of others. It restores and motivates me.  All attention is not equal,  a vidchat from my love > chat at the bar with a stranger. But I take what I can get and I appreciate it as it comes.

Crybaby. Wuss. Whiner. Sissy-Lala. Names we attribute to those who physically and audibly complain about life’s circumstances that we feel do not require such outburst of emotion.

When my daughter was young and upset I would say to her, “Did they hurt you or did they hurt your feelings? People are going to hurt your feelings and while it may feel like a physical pain you can’t cry every time it happens.” These were my attempts to toughen her up since she grew up a mostly only child.

I had two older brothers. I was a very stereotypical tag-a-long baby sister. I wanted to do any and everything my brothers did. Their one rule: if you cry,  you can’t play. I always wanted to play so I withheld my tears.

Over years I learned to stifle my weaker emotions and to be tough so I could be included and accepted. The problem is I learned to associate my acceptance by others with the mitigation of my feelings. I set up “safe spaces”,  places where it was okay to breakdown and show these unwanted emotions.   There are very few people whom have ever seen me cry,  I simply did not allow it.

As an adult person who practices continuous improvement I am trying to correct the damaging directives of my youth. When I am upset there are only a handful of people I feel comfortable expressing my emotions to and if they are unavailable I feel sad/hurt/upset that they don’t value me. It is unfair to place such a burden on them.

I also need to do a better job of addressing my hurt feelings directly with the person who hurt me instead of pretending to be so unbothered and unaffected by the encounter.  But admitting that I am hurt means acknowledging my own vulnerability, which is a much greater feat. What happens when I tell them how I feel and it falls on deaf ears? Or worse they hear me and they just don’t care?

I tell Alex that she hurt me when she did not show up to help me wash the dog as she promised. Alex says she’s sorry,  she was busy elsewhere and promises to help me wash the dog tomorrow.  The next day Alex flakes on me again.  I am pissed for even giving Alex a chance to hurt my feelings again. I cut off communication with Alex. I never again ask anyone for help washing the dog. I pout in silence.

I’m known for my upbeat personality always smiling with a kind word or a funny quip. But some days I am just not feeling it. Some days I don’t feel well. Today is one of those days.

image

The reactions I get for my less than excited mood reminds me why I keep my real feelings to myself.  People seem personally offended that I’m not in a good mood. They respond with “well you’re always in a good mood”,  “you’re not your real self” and “at least you could still smile”.  Update in case you didn’t notice: I am a human being with actual human emotions. While my default demeanor may be set to sunshine today I have rain clouds.

But if you ask me how I’m doing I will say I’m fine. Fine because I don’t think you really care about my feelings. Fine because even if you do care I doubt you will take action to help me feel better. Fine because I don’t feel comfortable sharing my feelings with you.  Let me just be fine.

image

We all have minor annoyances that bother us. There are common things like being robbed that would anger anyone. The following are things that really piss me off, so much so that I would unfriend you in real life.

1. Picking me up late. Like most things this stems from my childhood,  my mom was a divorced mom of three who was *always* late to pick us up. I was the last kid in the car rider group with the pissed off TA who was missing her nail appointment. Whenever I am picked up late I always feel like I did back then. Never pick me up late.

2. Being asked the same question repeatedly. If I took the time to answer you the first time respect me enough to remember what you were told. My children know better than anyone that I hate repeating myself.

3. Being lied to. Because shutting the fuck up is always an option. If you don’t want to tell me something then don’t,  but never lie to me. I can forgive a bad decision, but I won’t forgive a lie.

4. Being manipulated into helping someone. If you need an outrageous favor,  ask for it. But don’t invite me over your house for dinner then casually mention you have a couch to pick up and no way to haul it. Ask to borrow the truck. (For the record I don’t have a truck.)

5. Fake interactions. Most often people believe they are being polite by making small talk with people they don’t like or don’t care about. Miss me with that. You don’t have to speak yo me at all my world will be okay. Don’t ask me how I’m doing if you are not invested in the reply.

6. People who claim to miss you but don’t call,  text,  write,  or even send a telegram. Go away. My phone both sends and receives messages and I am sure yours does as well.  If you realize we haven’t spoke and are interested in knowing how I’m doing then you should reach out.

7. People who only call you to talk about their issues. They completely monopolize the conversation with what is going on in their life,  but have yet to ask you how you are doing and wait for you to finish your response.

8. Parents who favor one child over the other. This actually makes me want to commit a crime. Even worse when it obvious that one child is liked better because of their looks,  athletic ability,  gender,  or you liked their mo/father better. So damaging to a kid’s esteem.

9. Lack of follow through. This goes along with having to repeat myself. If we have agreed that you are going to do something I expect you to perform the task in a timely manner and keep me updated on the progress. I shouldn’t have to ask you how things are going or remind you of what needs to be done. Do it right or don’t do it at all.

10. Negative/Pessimistic people. You have to get from round here. I simply cannot take having that kind of energy in my presence. These kind of people feel they have a permanent role playing devil’s advocate. No,  the devil is doing just fine on his own he doesn’t need more minions. If the situation looks bad why don’t you lend your assistance or shut the fuck up?