headphones

There are recurring soundtracks in my life most of them are around the theme of relationships.  Falling in love. Falling out of love.  I went from making mixtapes in my childhood bedroom to playlists on YouTube.  Crushing on him.  Does he notice me?  Does he feel the way I feel? I think he likes me.  Does he know the way my heart beats for him?  Does he see the way my smile shines brighter when he is around?  I love him.  Does he feel the way that I feel?  Does he know that I’ve already planned our wedding?  I think he’s pulling away.  Does he see how much this hurts me?  Does he know my heart is breaking?  Its really over.  Did he ever really care about me?  What am I supposed to do now?  The cycle.

There was a question asked on Twitter the other day: What song was ruined for you by a previous relationship?  Where shall I start?  The Accountant ruined Retrograde x James Blake.  The Engineer ruined Get Away x The Internet.  The Actor ruined So Gone x Jill Scott ft Paul Wall.   I once loved these songs they were part of our relationship soundtrack, but after our time ended I could not listen to them without feeling a way.  And so I let the music die.

I thought more about it, why would I let someone take my music from me?  Did they really take it?  Am I still emotionally connected to these ghosts through these songs?  Or do I just think I am?  I sat down with a glass of Mezcal and pressed play on these hidden playlists.  And while my mind did recall a time we had or the emotion attached when the song was added, I didn’t react the way I thought I would.  I didn’t cry.  I didn’t get angry.  I really didn’t feel much of anything.  Music reborn.