headphones

There are recurring soundtracks in my life most of them are around the theme of relationships.  Falling in love. Falling out of love.  I went from making mixtapes in my childhood bedroom to playlists on YouTube.  Crushing on him.  Does he notice me?  Does he feel the way I feel? I think he likes me.  Does he know the way my heart beats for him?  Does he see the way my smile shines brighter when he is around?  I love him.  Does he feel the way that I feel?  Does he know that I’ve already planned our wedding?  I think he’s pulling away.  Does he see how much this hurts me?  Does he know my heart is breaking?  Its really over.  Did he ever really care about me?  What am I supposed to do now?  The cycle.

There was a question asked on Twitter the other day: What song was ruined for you by a previous relationship?  Where shall I start?  The Accountant ruined Retrograde x James Blake.  The Engineer ruined Get Away x The Internet.  The Actor ruined So Gone x Jill Scott ft Paul Wall.   I once loved these songs they were part of our relationship soundtrack, but after our time ended I could not listen to them without feeling a way.  And so I let the music die.

I thought more about it, why would I let someone take my music from me?  Did they really take it?  Am I still emotionally connected to these ghosts through these songs?  Or do I just think I am?  I sat down with a glass of Mezcal and pressed play on these hidden playlists.  And while my mind did recall a time we had or the emotion attached when the song was added, I didn’t react the way I thought I would.  I didn’t cry.  I didn’t get angry.  I really didn’t feel much of anything.  Music reborn.

Yesterday I was on my way out the door traveling to Nashville to witness the nuptials of my friend Holleh when I received devastating news: my boyfriend broke up with me. To say I was caught off guard is an understatement. I couldn’t believe the words. After dealing with my upset stomach, I drove 175 miles in silence trying hard not to think about anything.

The wedding was beautiful. So much love and joy and excitement. I sat there surrounded by friends all brought together to support this glorious union and it just felt like I wrapped in love.

I won’t go into the details of our relationship or breakup but he didn’t do anything wrong. He didn’t treat me poorly or betray me. He’s actually the first relationship that didn’t end in fire and brimstone. And while my heart hurts, it feels like an elephant has his foot on my chest, I am surprisingly okay.  The wedding for me wasn’t a distraction from my pain but a bit of healing and a reminder of what I want for myself.

What’s next for me?  I have no idea but I am confident that my time will come. Better not bitter.

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We’ve all been through bad experiences you can choose to let the past hold you back. Or you can use it as motivation to move forward. Let your past make you better,  not bitter.

Dr Seuss Wisdom

It is okay to not know what is coming. You cannot be in control of all things. Enjoy the adventure and know that you are prepared to handle what lies in front of you. Climb the mountain and see what awaits for you on the other side. (Unless it’s Mordor, don’t go there unless you are with the fellowship of the ring)

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Yesterday was plain awful. (You can say that again) Yesterday was plain awful,  but that’s not now that’s then.

I purpose to have a good day today. I leave behind the hurt,  struggles and toils of yesterday. I greet today with the joy of a fresh start.

Every morning when I wake up and several times throughout the day I have to actively address my outlook. I wear a happy mask most of the time,  but that doesn’t accurately describe the way I feel. As of late I feel terrible. You should read the messages I send to my BFF. It is sometimes a minute by minute struggle for me to maintain a positive attitude.  This isn’t about denying your struggles and stressors in life,  but choosing not to constantly dwell on them. To look at a situation and say this can really go either way but I’m not going to focus on what to do if it goes wrong. I am going to enjoy the moment I am in now and let go of the worry. 
Here are today’s tips on staying positive:
1. A good bitch session. Get it out,  all of it. Every hurt feeling,  spirit of doubt,  hostile emotion. Get them out and let them go.
2. Count your blessings. It may seem cliche but it really works. Think of all the things that are going right and be thankful for them.
3. Do something good for someone else. I get an amazing feeling when I am able to help someone in need. It can be as simple as paying for coffee for the person behind you in line.
4. Mute yourself. I cannot interact with my stressors every day,  I am not a super hero. It is okay to say “No,  I’m not dealing with this today.”
5. Exercise. Exercise really is the most underutilized antidepressant. Take a long walk during your lunch break. Or go for a jog after work. The physical activity is good for the body and it helps clear the mind.

Positivity is a choice.  It is more than just putting on a fake smile. It is making an intentional effort despite the circumstances to be positive.

This morning was a horrible morning. I couldn’t sleep last night, I woke up late, I had a headache, my hair refused to behave, we were caught in a torrential downpour, my clothes were soaked, my son was late for school, I was late for work, there was ridiculous traffic on the highway… by the time I got to work I wanted to call in and go back home.

But instead of having a meltdown I put out a request. I posted a fb status saying that I was having a rough morning and asked everyone to comment with cute or funny pictures, jokes, positive messages, or encouraging words. Of course my friends did not disappoint and my status was quickly filled with comments. This definitely helped lighten my mood and forget about the havoc of the morning.

I could have easily took the misfortune of my morning and let it spoil my whole day. I could have voiced my tale of whoa and through a decent pity party. But instead I chose to shed those feelings and request the assistance of reasons to smile, to laugh and to be positive.  That level of positivity is infectious.

I hate endings. Happy or sad. I am usually not ready to let go so I do what it takes to hold on as long as possible. This happens every time I read a new book. I will devour a book until I get about halfway through then and incredible sense of loss falls over me.  I am much slower reading the remaining half and once I get to the last couple of chapters I may stop altogether.  I am so enveloped in the characters I am not ready for it to end.  One reason is I don’t want them to go away, they have become a part of me. Another reason is that I am afraid that things will not end the way I expect them to and I don’t want to know.

But you cannot have new beginnings it seems without something coming to a close.   My mind is very one-track so it is rare for me to experience any overlap. I don’t look for a new job until I am finished with my old one whether that be by layoff, move, downsizing, etc.  A few times I simply was emotionally done with a job but for the most part some external force pushed my current employment situation to a close and I was forced to find a new one.

It is safe to say that I don’t really like change. Part of the reason is I am a catastrophizer. I am always imagining the worst case scenario for all events that I get myself worked up. When things do end it is never as bad as I imagined and I am often unaffected by the actual event.

I have made a tough decision to move on to a new stage in my life, a fresh start. To say I am scared is an understatement. I of course have imagined every terrible, earth-shattering scenario and I struggle to prepare for them. The task seems daunting and overwhelming though I believe I can do it; I’ve survived much worse.  I know that with the support of those who love me I will make it, but I guess I am just scared of closing this door. I would much rather someone push me out and slam it shut behind me. Being reactive is so much easier than being proactive.

Cheers to adulthood, making tough decisions and jumping in with both feet even when you are afraid to do so. I refuse to sink, so I have no choice but to swim.

I missed a few days but I am still determined to be positive even if I am too tired to blog. Here are a few lessons I learned over the last few days.

Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind. If you are unable to live up to your commitments you may have to remove yourself from the previous agreement. However sometimes it is just a matter of resetting expectations. Either way talk it over open and honestly.

In the midst of your storm its amazing how your circumstance can lead you to be someone else’s blessing. Things have a funny way of working out for the good.

I am thankful for friendships. That there are people in my life who take an hour or two of their time in order to listen and support me.

Be a rainbow on a cloudy day.

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